Teenage Mutant Ninja Recaps: 2012
by TRikiD
Summary: These are legit recaps for episodes of TMNT 2012. They're completely legit, I promise. This is also inspired by DWK's "Totally Legit Recap" series for MLP:FIM, so there will be a lot of swearing and adult humor.


Ok so, we're down in the dank-ass sewers, and the turtle bros are training, but Mikey spazzes out and Donnie turns into a big pussy, leaving Leo vs. Raph.

And then, Raph totally kicks ass, and he's like, "Fork beats butter knife, dude. Everyone knows that."

And Master Splinter's like, "Alright, bitches, sit the fuck down! You all did pretty good today, and I'm equally proud of you."

And Raph's like, "But Sensei, you should be more proud of me since they're clearly a bunch of pussies!"

But then, Splinter uses this weird pressure point move, and turns Raph into a spastic bitch. After that, they break for lunch.

And Mike's like, "Alright guys, today's main course is shit."

And Donnie's like, "Why is it always shit, though?"

"We live in the fuckin' sewer, dude. What else did you expect? Also, here, I made a shit cake! Enjoy!"

And Leo's like, "What's the frosting made out of?"(canon dialogue)

"It's cum."

"Why the fuck is there sperm on a cake?"

"Well, ya see, I found Raph's old stash of maid porn, and I accidentally jizzed all over it."

And they're all like, "Happy Mutation Day!"(real dialogue in the show)

And Splinter's all, "Oh, yeah. I totally remember that night when I bought you little guys from a pet store, and I got mugged by some guys with some creepy-ass goo. They spilt it on me, and I got turned into a rat for some reason while you guys turned into a bunch of furries…without the fur…fifteen years sure do go by fast."

And Leo's like, "And now that you're done with your exposition session, do ya think we can finally go outside?"

"Hell no."

"Damnit! Why not, Dad?!"

"Look, you guys have grown a lot, but it's not enough. The world's a very shitty place once you open yourself up to it long enough, and you're just not ready for it yet."

And Donnie's like, "But how the hell are we gonna know if we really aren't ready if you don't give us a chance to at least try?"

"Because I said so."

And Leo's like, "C'mon, Sensei. We know you're being protective of us, but this could be considered smothering, and that's a valid enough reason ta call child services."

And Splinter's like, "Oh, shit, you're right…alright, fine! You can go outside, just don't fuck it up!"

So, they go up to the surface that night, and they start freakin' out like a bunch of little girls…and they totally forgot that there are, like, fuckin' security cameras all over the goddamn place.

But instead of getting caught by a government agency like they would in real life, some guy delivering pizza on a scooter comes across 'em. They scare the crap out of him, and they steal his pizza. But since they didn't have any kind of access to social media before, they have no idea what the fuck it is and decide to eat it.

And they're like, "Holy shit, this tastes way better than all the garbage and fecal matter we eat! The surface is fuckin' awesome!"

And while they're horsin' around, there's this middle-aged dude, who clearly hasn't gotten laid in over fifteen years, and his teenage daughter April O'Neil. They're both just havin' a nice little stroll in the middle of the night, in New York City, totally expecting nothing bad to happen to either of them whatsoever.

And Donnie sees her and he's like, "Guys, check out the ass on that one. I'm totally gonna hit it."

And Raph's like, "Dude, that's literally the only ass you've ever seen that wasn't one of ours, and she's totally outta your league. The odds of you getting laid before any of us is slim ta none."

"Fuck you. She's still really sexy ta me."

And then, holy shit! April and her dad get attacked by these men in black!

I was so surprised(I'm being sarcastic).

And Donnie's like, "We've gotta help 'em!"

And Leo's like, "Splinter's instructions were very clear. He told us to stay away from people—and bathrooms."(canon dialogue)

And Raph's all, "What the hell, man? You watch all these cheesy-as-fuck shows about bein' a hero and learning mind-numbing morals, and you wanna back out of an opportunity to actually do something righteous? That's not gonna work. Either stop bein' a pussy, or go fuck off."

"Wow, Raphael. That was actually really cool."

"Don't be gay. Now, shut up and help us kick some ass!"

So, they try to fight the weird Terminator-dudes, but they fuck it up and April and her dad get kidnapped. And it turns out that the men in black are actually robots controlled by face-huggers, and Mikey nearly gets his chest filled with eggs.

But he kills the alien, and he's like, "Guys, the kidnappers are actually robots with brainy aliens in 'em!"

And Leo's like, "There's no such things as aliens."

And Donnie's like, "Unless you count the Mexicans."

"No, I'm serious! The robot had this big, slimy, tentacly-!"

Then, Leo slaps him.

"Did you just slap me?"(real line from Mikey)

Ok, ok. I won't lie, this gets me every time. But it also makes me realize that Mikey's brothers are completely abusive and negligent assholes, and I wanna stab 'em in the knees, and give Mikey cuddles and ice cream whenever they treat him like shit.

So then, they go back home and tell Splinter what happened, and he's pissed.

And Splinter's like, "Well, the one thing I told you not ta do was fuck up, but ya fucked up anyway, so you're all grounded."

Then, they start bitching at each other, and Mikey accidentally lets it out that it's Splinter's fault for letting them go out.

And Splinter's all, "Yup, you're right. I fucked up, too. We'll try again in another year or two…maybe."

And Donnie's like, "A year?! Sensei, we don't have a year, and neither do the people who likely just got taken to a facility for drugging and whoring! We gotta save 'em because we're their only hope!"

So then, Splinter starts havin' these PTSD flashbacks, and he's like, "Alright, you can go save them, but you're gonna have to work together as a team."

And Leo's all, "But we, like, suck at being a team."

"That's because you don't have a leader, and I know that's a tough decision…but it's totally Leonardo."

So, Leo makes 'em go back up to the surface, and they wait around for hours but they're gettin' antsy.

And Raph's like, "This isn't working. We're not gonna get anywhere by just sittin' around with our thumbs up our asses."

And Mikey's like, "I don't think they'd fit."(real dialogue in the show)

And Leo's all, "Actually, this has all gone according ta plan. By making you guys wait around and start bitching about it, you totally just jinxed and they're here now."

So, this guy walks out of the van, and Raph's like, "Alright, buddy. We can do this the easy way, or—my vote—the hard way~"(canon dialogue)

You're totally into some BDSM, aren't cha, Raphy? You can call me up any time.*clicks tongue*

Anyway, the guy pulls out a fuckin' laser gun and nearly kills 'em all, and he fucks off. But the turtle bois follow him, and cause an accident that totally kills him, but it left the plot point in the back completely unharmed.


End file.
